Sunday Sorrows

Waking up at 4AM to kicks in the "hooha" wouldn't sound like the best part of the day to most people, but to me it's the greatest part of my day. Everyday, I fight back the tears of the "what ifs" and try to continue on like everything is fine. Not so long ago, I can remember saying I never wanted kids. I love kids, but never wanted any of my own. Meeting the husband of my dreams, allowed me to make more room in my heart for the possibility of a child in the future. When we found out we were expecting, I was scared, happy, nervous... every emotion! Then when we found out it was twins... I thought it was life's funny way of saying "one?... HAHA.... oh no lady... you get TWO!", and it was awesome! At first all I could think about was "now I have to buy 2 of everything!". Then it grew into pure excitement. Then when we went to find out the genders, we ended up finding out our babies were fighting for their lives with this stupid thing called Hydrops. Life, you are not funny anymore! How can you take me from never wanting kids, to expecting one and loving it, to finding out we are having two and really loving it, to telling us we will never get to the middle of the 2nd trimester because they will pass. Then you give us hopeless doctors and to top it off some extremely strong boys who continue to fight. I am not saying I want their fight to be over. I just want to be out of this state of limbo. Unless you've gone through something like this you may never understand. They weren't supposed to make it this long, so the doctors just keep telling us, it won't be much longer... every time they see us. Every kick I question, "is that the last one?". Every pain is "is this it?". I see all my friends with babies or expecting babies and I just want to curl up in a corner. Every time I go upstairs to where the nursery is or was going to be, I wonder... should I be getting ready to bring two babies home. Should I get the walls painted? Should we start purchasing baby items? Should I have a baby shower? When people ask me about my pregnancy and they don't know the story behind it, should I act happy? My answer is no. I can hardly stand to see the room as a spare bedroom. I can only imagine what it would be like to see it as a nursery everyday just to know that I might not be able to fill it. I want to make all these cute crafts from Pinterest for the boys. I want my mom to be able to make the blankets and cute outfits that she was so excited about in the beginning. I want to be able to give them grandkids. I want to talk about baby stuff with my friends. I want to know what it is like to be expecting  healthy babies. But most of all, I just want my babies. But I may never get that chance. Today, I am thankful for being able to get pregnant, but angry at the world for what it is putting us through. I always try to remind myself that life would not have thrown this at someone who could not handle it, but I continue to ask anyways... why us?